I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
