You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
