you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
