Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
