He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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