yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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