We're facebook friends in real life
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
