It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
