ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
you inspire me to be a worse person
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
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