Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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