What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
