I'm so fucking centered right now
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
