life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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