Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
