how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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