Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
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This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
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They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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