The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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