Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
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