i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
