Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
It's never too late to be topless.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
