I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
It's never too late to be topless.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
