I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
