I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
