i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
