im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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