i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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