The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
