So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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