Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Randomize
