You're a womanizer and a bitch.
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I want to be your penis for a week.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
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