Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
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