i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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