We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Randomize
