Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
