I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
How's work?
Spinning.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
