Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Randomize
