My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
