The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
