No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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