what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
