Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Randomize
