How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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