The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Randomize
