Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
