You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
It's no shave November. This is our time.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
