If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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