Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize