we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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