my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
