you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
