It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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