hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Pooping to opera.
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