I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
