yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Randomize
