You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
