Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
COCAINE IS GR8
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
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