my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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